Moccasin Gap - January 2011

Happy New Year from Moccasin Gap, where the men don’t wear makeup, the women don’t wear jockstraps and the children get spanked when they do wrong.

So, how many New Year’s resolutions have you made yet? How many have you broken? How many were on your list last year? That’s my Aunt Estelle. Every year she vows to give up smoking. Well, this year she has finally given it up. She died of lung cancer three months ago. If you have made a resolution to stop smoking, please, stick to it. I really miss Aunt Estelle. She had a pet monkey that she would wear around her neck like a scarf. People loved it. They would say, “It looks so real.” And then they would pet it and the monkey would bite their hand. Never trust a monkey, Happy New Year Aunt Estelle, wherever you are.

January is a time when everything turns white, the ground from snow and husbands from holiday bills. To me, 2011 seems to be a lot like 2010.
There is still a lot of unemployment, the government is still getting bigger, and paychecks, if you’re still getting one, are getting smaller, politicians are still lying their a**es off and getting away with murder. Here in North Carolina, the former governor screwed the people miserably and he got off with a $1000 fine. Someone needs to send that judge to prison. The punishment just doesn’t fit the crime.

Oh, and Willie Nelson got busted for pot again. Read my lips, leave Willie the hell alone. Willie wasn’t driving the bus. Willie is no threat to anyone.

Whoever thought we would go into 2011 with a trillion dollar deficit? Here is a shocking statistic for you: If we spent a dollar a day toward the debt, it would take, get this, 425,000 years to pay it off. There won’t even be an earth 425,000 years from now.

Most people are probably still writing 2010 on their checks. I’m writing 2012 on mine since I’m paying everything with next year’s money. Mark my words, 2011 will be much better than 2010. Hell, it has to. I can’t go through another year like 2010, nor can I go through another president like the Messiah Obama. Did you know that about 90% of the people who voted for Obama don’t even know who the vice president is? And, really, don’t; you think it’s time to stop blaming Bush for everything. He is no longer in charge. Yes, my friends, it’s time to face the facts; there are idiots all around us.

All I can say is I had a great year. Unfortunately 2010 wasn’t it. I will give you a little New Year’s advice. Don’t drink and drive on New Year’s Eve. Driving isn’t that important. And please don’t say anything drunk that you wouldn’t say sober. I learned that last year when I told my boss his wife had a nice butt – and it was so soft. Now, I’m going into 2011 unemployed. Hope your New Year is better than mine.

If you have a job, be happy. If you don’t owe anybody anything, be happy, if haven’t lost everything, be happy.

Thank God we still have professional wrestling. It’s the only thing you can believe anymore.

Until next time, ya’ll come see now, you hear. And please, bring food. We have a lot of hungry people here in Moccasin Gap. And as for my New Year’s resolutions, I hereby vow to stop making New Year’s resolutions.