Moccasin Gap/Cousin Jasper

I was watching TV with cousin Jasper the other night. Cousin Jasper, bless his heart, is so not right he was actually born bearing a helmet. He once peed on an electric fence because Uncle Eugene told him it was a great way to create your own electricity. Of course, all it created was a lot of pain for Jasper. It must have knocked him back about twenty feet. According to Cousin Jasper, your testicles really stink when they’re smoking. So we were watching TV; wrestling, or as Jasper calls it rasslin’. I call it the Blue Collar Ballet. Now, here is a little known fact about me; I used to be the ring announcer for the NWA. This, of course, was before Ted Turner bought it and ruined it. I know it’s fake. I was in on it. But Jasper thinks it’s real. Again, bless his heart. He screams at the TV, he jumps up and down in the living room floor; he hits the pillows the goes crazy. I remind him that its TV, they can’t hear you, and again, it’s not real. They’re supposed to do that, but he just won’t listen. And no, they’re not like that in real life. If they were they would all be in prison. And no, that’s not their real names. That’s two questions I got asked all the time when I was ring announcer. Is Undertaker his real name? Is Steve the Dream his real name? Yes, it is. His mother had a sense of humor. And, by the way, BC isn’t my real name. It’s Dino Fart. My Mom had a sense of humor also. One night Jasper said, if I were there I would jump in the ring and beat that bad guy silly. Yeah, that’s what the world needs, a scrawny little one hundred pound redneck who adds new meaning to the word silly beating a two-hundred-fifty pound professional wrestler silly. I suppose he would also get in the ring with Muhammad Ali, if he were there at ringside. “For a \million bucks I’d do it” That’s what Jasper said. I figure, “Yeah, for a million bucks you can afford the best hospital care. For a million bucks you can have caviar fed to you through that tube running down your throat,” To show you how not right Cousin Jasper is, we were watching Scooby Doo one afternoon, and he looked at me and actually said with a dead serious look on his face, “You know, dogs really can’t talk.” And this is the gene pool I come from. I’m so fortunate. We’re all here in Moccasin Gap. Ya’ll come see us now, you hear?